I want it all, or nothing at all

I am a very all or nothing person.

Sometimes, this is a good thing. When I care about something, I go all in. I am a passionate perfectionist. Shit gets done.

But when I don’t care – or care only a little bit – it’s in peril. It won’t happen.

If I am doing a fitness challenge, you don’t have to worry. Until I miss a day. Then I am a failure and there’s no point in completing the challenge. No point in anything.

If I am restricting my diet, I follow the rules, make the meals. No problem. Until someone brings cookies to work. Then I’ll eat one and my diet is over. I failed. I might as well eat 10. And eat a cookie again tomorrow.

This is a cycle I am trying to break. One cookie doesn’t ruin a well-intentioned meal plan. Missing one workout doesn’t mean my entire training plan is ruined. A health life is about sustainability and balance – at what level can you be your best self without compromising other things you care about, and can maintain for a very long time?

I’ve been an active person since I was a child and this is still a struggle. It’ll be a struggle for the rest of my life.

I think I’m getting there. I need to constantly remind myself it’s a journey. I can take a step back for a minute or a day and it doesn’t mean I need to get off the train. Every day, I need to ask myself “What is the best way to take care of me today?” Every day, the answer is different.

That doesn’t make me a failure. It makes me human.