Actually, I do. I really, really do.

Played bball Monday night. Definitely set the hip back. Felt totally exhausted and unmotivated to do anything on Tuesday, so I didn’t. Now that fall is over, I need to find routine. Purpose. Motivation. But it’s so cold and dark and I’m so tired.

I need to work on discipline.

But also forgiveness. I’m still not 100%. A day off is a good thing. But I mentally beat myself up for this. I’m lazy. I’m weak. I’m not good enough.

I need to spin this internal dialogue around.

I’m taking care of myself. I’m rebuilding for next training cycle. I’m honouring my body and where it’s at. I’m preventing this injury from getting worse.

Why is being positive so hard?

I’m still not better.

It still sucks.

It seems like my hip is improving, but then my shin decided to light up.

I have no idea why. I’m hardly running. I’m mostly doing what I’m told to do by medical professionals. It’s frustrating and demoralizing. I know there’s a lesson here about working with what is sent your way and accepting what you can’t control, but fuck that right now. I want to be better. I want to run again. I want to work towards a goal that isn’t “Not injured anymore.”

Clearly, this attitude isn’t helping.

So let’s talk about the positive things I’ve done.

I hired a running coach. I’m really excited. I think having an actual human assessing my progress and giving me feedback and working with me on goal setting is going to be great for my next step, running wise. I had a coach for my first marathon and it was hugely helpful. I’ve been winging it for a few years now, and while I’ve made great progress with a combination of joining a running crew and using the NYRR training program, it’s time to step it up even more. Plus I think a human will be better at helping me navigate injury recovery and comeback better than a digital plan. She’s young and a new coach, but I did some research and she hit all the things that mattered to me: she was responsive, she was very invested in the WHY and explaining the WHY of stuff and she didn’t have a lot of clients. She’s not based in Toronto, which I am disappointed in, but that’s not a deal breaker. It has made me realize there aren’t a ton of one-on-one options for people in Toronto. So that has gotten me thinking about maybe getting my own running coach certification, but that’s a thought for another day…

I signed up for the Chicago marathon lottery. We find out if we get in on Dec. 12. The ultimate, A+ goal of 2018 (after getting over this injury, of course) is to run the fastest marathon I can. I’m on the cusp of needing a 3:40 to qualify for Boston. I really, truly believe I can do it. It’ll take a lot of hard work and it might take a few marathons and a few years, but I believe that I am physically capable of it. So if I get into Chicago, Chicago is the goal marathon. If I don’t, it will either be Toronto or Philadelphia, depending on my fall work schedule.

I’m seeing a physio/chiro guy once a week and an RMT regularly. The hip is definitely improving. It’s not 100% yet, but it’s getting there. It’s just a question of when, and of not being stupid. Not being stupid is harder than it seems. But I’m trying.

So 2017: get over with already.

2018: the year I get better, blog more and go for a BQ.

I’m ready.

Let’s just hope my body is.